


A Criminal and His Cake

by GendrysNorthernWench



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fluff, Gender Neutral Jehan, I Blame Tumblr, I'm Sorry Victor Hugo, M/M, Montparnasse VS Cake, Montparnasse has a minor breakdown, ramble
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-28
Updated: 2016-04-28
Packaged: 2018-06-05 02:22:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6685417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GendrysNorthernWench/pseuds/GendrysNorthernWench
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Montparnasse wants to bake Jehan a cake, he didn't think it would be so hard.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Criminal and His Cake

**Author's Note:**

> This is only my second attempt at Les Mis fic and was entirely inspired by http://incandescent-darkness.tumblr.com/ and her wonderful headcanons. 
> 
> I obviously don't own the characters, because if I did the brick would be a lot less sad and a hell of a lot gayer.

It's almost four in the morning and Montparnasse is bent over a large glass bowl, mixing frantically when Babet stops by unannounced; because breaking and entering each others apartments at strange hours is just one of those quaint little habits that come from being friends for over a decade.

“Holy shit 'Parnasse, what the hell happened in here?” Babet asks, taking a seat at the kitchen table, which is covered in smears of baking ingredients and dirtied crockery.

“Fuck off Babet, can't you see I'm busy here?” Montparnasse replies, scowling at the watery pink sludge in the bowl in front of him.

“Okaay, I know I'm only a dentist but you really shouldn't use all those chemicals, because they will kill you. ” Babet warns, casting a judgemental eye over the veritable army of empty food dye bottles scattered across the kitchen.

“If you have nothing helpful to say, kindly shut up. Jehan's birthday is in a couple weeks and I need this stupid cake to be perfect!” Montparnasse growls, turning to give his unwanted visitor a dark look.

Babet takes a moment to assess his friend before speaking, the other man's normally perfectly coiffed dark hair is flat and dusted with flour and there's neon stains covering his hands from fingertip to half way up his forearms.

“Wait, if the little poet's birthday isn't for another few days, why're you making it now? I've seen you make a perfect three layer German chocolate cake with a raging hangover an hour before it was needed.”

“You don't understand 'Bet! This isn't any cake, it's rainbow cake and every layer has to be perfect and taste good and I'm going to murder Courfeyrac for suggesting it.” Montparnasse bitches, unknowingly coating his kitchen cabinets with globs of neon pink from the whisk still in his hand.

“Well, I know fuck all about baking, but I have some great stories of people giving themselves the screaming shits from ingesting too many artificial chemical colours?”

“If you're just going to mock, you can piss off.”

“Jeez you're cranky. I'll just be going then. Good luck with your baking Michel Roux, try not to die!” Babet says, getting up to leave “Oh, just a by the way, did you know your oven's been smoking the entire time I've been here?”

Ducking the flying whisk aimed for his face, Babet beats a hasty retreat, snickering to himself whilst Montparnasse screams bloody murder.

                                                                                                           ===

For the next week, every time he sees Jehan, Montparnasse's hands are stained ridiculous colours because those stupid food dyes refuse to wash off, no matter what he tries.

 

When Jehan assumes the stains are from some sort of new found desire to paint, Montparnasse doesn't bother to correct them, better to let the poet think it's art and not desperation and failure that have turned his hands into a crayola explosion.

                                                                                                            ===

 

“Hey, 'Nasse, Jehan says you've started painting and yo- fucking hell, did you murder a unicorn in here?!” Grantaire exclaims loudly, dropping the spare key Montparnasse gave him months ago in shock as he stand in the kitchen doorway, faced with a riot of mess and mayhem.

“'Aire! Thank God. I can't, I just I can't do it anymore” Montparnasse wails, his dark eyes wild and blood shot, hair hanging limp and greasy around his unnaturally pale face as he launches himself into the dark haired man's arms.

“Shit, sit down before you fall down.” the artist demanded, moving to guide his hysterical friend to the only slightly clean chair left “Now, what the hell is going on? Jehan said you might need a hand getting some paint stains out, not that you'd turned your kitchen into Willy Wonka on acid!”

“I, it's this stupid fucking cake 'Aire ive tried everything and it wont go right and the colours are wrong and why wont it look like the pictures?”

An iphone with a picture of a beautiful layered rainbow cake gets shoved in Grantaire's face along with 'Parnasse's hysterical explanation.

“Hey, its okay, I know how to make rainbow cake” Grantaire reassures, squatting down so he can look the other man in the eye.

“Really? You promise?” 'Parnasse's voice is weak and sort or wavery

Clearly Montparnasse has suffered some kind of chemical induced breakdown, Grantaire thinks, because he looks close to crying over cake.

“Yeah, I made Enjolras a cake in the colours of the French flag for his birthday last year. Go take a shower and I'll clean up and make us some lunch, kay? Then we'll get to making cake” Grantaire directs, and with an actual plan, Montparnasse seems to calm a little as he staggers out of the kitchen.

By the time Grantaire's finished washing up and made a stack of ham and cheese toasties -which he knows Montparnasse is secretly obsessed with- said man has managed to shower and change and is looking significantly less like he's about to burst into tears and or murder someone, much to Grantaire's relief, he definitely prefers snarky arsehole 'Parnasse to the absolute train wreck he walked in on earlier.

After demolishing the sandwiches and putting the plates in the sink, Grantaire organises everything they'll need to make rainbow cake, and together he and Montparnasse work through the recipe Grantaire has saved on his phone, the artist pointing out why Montparnasse's previous attempts failed and sharing stories of his own fuck ups the first time he tried to make the brightly coloured confection.

It takes almost six hours, a twelve pack of beer and the occasional melt down where Montparnasse thinks he's fucked up again, but between the two of them, they manage a perfectly light, seven layer rainbow sponge cake, covered in strawberry buttercream and topped with a couple bottles of rainbow hundreds and thousands.

                                                                                                                       ===

The next day, when Montparnasse shows up to the party at the bookstore Jehan co-owns with Cosette and Feuilly, cake in hand, Jehan is nearly in tears and spends a good twenty minutes waxing lyrical about how beautiful it is and how wonderful their boyfriend is and when he worries over how much time and effort it must've taken.

Grantaire mysteriously chokes on air when Montparnasse assures Jehan that 'no, it didn't take much time at all' with a confident half smirk that earns him a thorough kissing.

                                                                                                                      ===

Years later, Montparnasse confesses the amount of trouble the cake caused him and is shocked when Jehan starts laughing

“Oh, 'Nasse, it's adorable you think I wouldn't know the difference between paint stains and dye stains. I knew the entire time.”


End file.
